The Dog Days of Divorce

We’re in round three of negotiations for the divorce settlement.  I’m really curious if there are other men reading this site (or women) who have experienced what I’m going through and can bring some advice with regard to managing this negotiation process.

Round 1 was completely outrageous request from the ex:  Basically, I give her all my money and no access to the kids.  In fact, this month, if round 1 were enacted, this month I would have been in the hole $1,000 to her with $0 to pay toward my rent, groceries, or anything else for myself.  Oh, and she wanted me to pass this to her for 26 years (until retirement age — which may be 90 by the time I get there!)  Our marriage lasted 23 years.  

Round 2, I countered with 50/50.  We split everything (debt, income, house equity, 401k, everything in half).  For 8 years, which seems to be the standard in my state (total married years divided by 3).  

Round 3 (today, which happens to be the anniversary of our wedding), came with a basic restatement of round 1, no acknowledgement of any merits of round 2 and with the kids, “we’ll let the counselor help them reconcile, but no visitation or rights of any kind.”  Please understand, there has been nothing  abusive from me toward them (though it’s documentable the abuse that has been handed down from the ex toward me — and from one of the kids toward me).  There is no legitimate reason to exclude me from their lives other than the fact that Mom has alienated them from me.  

So we are back to Round 1 after 3 weeks.

I don’t think she understands that all that is happening is that I’m getting angry and hardened in my resolve to not let her have 1 penny over 1/2 of what I make.  

Incidentally, just got an offer on the house, which led her lawyer to say that since I’m not paying the $2,300 house payment and she will get a lower rent payment, that I need to pay her the difference.  

I spent about a half hour on the patio after the email explaining this offer just talking to God.  What do you do?  After another 8 hours in the day have gone by, I’m still very frustrated and feel completely backed into a corner.  And as we learned from Dirty Dancing, nobody backs Baby into a corner…(Maybe someday, I’ll be “baby” to someone again?)…  

So how do you respond?  I think I’m going to respond with a lower amount even then the original half proposal from round 2.  I would just as soon go to court and have a judge hear this (even if it is a female judge who usually decides in the woman’s favor).  I’m pretty much done negotiating, because I’m not going to negotiate with myself.

Please comment if you have any advice!

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