Seeds of Discontent

A friend commented the other night that she doesn’t get why some moms and dads continually sow seeds in their families which cause their kids to doubt or think negatively about the other parent.  I replied that I wish only seeds were sown.  My ex backed up a flatbed truck and unloaded a fully grown tree which she proceeded to plant and water…  

But it got me thinking.  Unfortunately this “tree of discontent” has put me in a place where my kids aren’t talking to me at all.  They are calling me by my first name and work to disrespect me or treat me as rudely as possible whenever they get an opportunity.  

I went over to the house the other day to drop off a check for some yard work that was being done to help sell the house.  In an uncharacteristic and abnormal moment, the ex invited me in and we talked for a bit about the house selling.  The kids were out playing in the pool and when they saw Dad in the window, my 17 year old ran up the deck stairs (boyfriend in tow) and poked her head in with a panicked: “Mom, mom, are you okay?”  The ex looked at her quizzically and shook her off like she was being annoyed by even the suggestion that she wouldn’t be.  

That stuck with me.  I know my daughter wasn’t worried about mom being physically or even emotionally hurt by me — the only abuse that happened in the marriage went the other way.  So why make this “scene?”  I think the answer is that it is a direct result of the seeds/tree of discontent that was fostered in the home.  Dad is to blame for anything/everything bad and therefore must be made to feel stupid or awkward as often as possible.  It was a contrived “panic” induced to make Dad feel stupid.  She was a poor actress, but succeeded in making me feel a bit ridiculous.  Also, I think the scene was staged well for the boyfriend…  

These things don’t happen in non-alienated environments. Moms don’t put up with that type of behavior and dads are able to address it on the spot and still have authority to command some form of respect from their children.  

I guess what I am saying is that be careful the seeds you are sowing.  My ex was obviously embarrassed and very uncomfortable by my daughter’s behavior.  It was silly and senseless and obviously a show and she knew it as well as I did.  Hopefully, she realized that maybe this wasn’t the direction she wanted to raise her kids toward?  Maybe that’s wishful thinking.  

When I’m back in relationship with the kids, I need to be very careful to spray some weedkiller on any of the seeds of discontent my kids sow against their mom and be the standard for how we don’t go there.

Until then, still trying to navigate my personal reaction to these types of incidents.  I’m in the ignore them and focus on my love for the kids stage.  Not sure how long that will last or how helpful it really is.  That’s grist for another post.  

 

Jim 

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