Sunday’s message at church was about letting God show up in our weakness. We were challenged to own up to our weaknesses and let God take them and make them something incredible. So here goes.
There are so many times throughout this whole alienation process where I have been willing to let things go to avoid a scene or a blow up that would certainly result. Much like during the actual marriage, I sacrificed what I believed in and what I valued for the sake of peace. It is weakness. It is unwillingness to stand up for what I believe in because I’m afraid. Or because I don’t know what to say or do, so I don’t do anything.
Case in point — today at a soccer game, my daughter was walking past the snack bar where I was working (let’s just say it’s easier to have a job in the snack bar than to sit by myself in the stands…). She was talking to a friend on her cell phone explaining her accident. Apparently she was rear-ended by someone, from what I overheard. Interestingly, she stood close enough and spoke loud enough that I heard almost the entire conversation. I think that was purposeful on her part. She wanted to make sure I heard the lines like, “Yeah, I called mom like 6 times and couldn’t reach her and I didn’t know what to do so I called you (about her friend).” She walked directly past me, like two feet in front of the snack bar window on her way back to the bleachers and I asked her, “So, you got in an accident?” She acted like I didn’t exist. No response at all, just a firm scowl and a deliberate walk.
She’d left a very angry voicemail on my phone on Friday. I had responded via email, explaining to her that I would love to have a relationship with her, but that it can’t be a yelling relationship. That when she was ready to have a non-yelling relationship, I would love to see her. That had been our last “communication.”
So today when she gave me the cold shoulder, I honestly just stood there not knowing how to handle it. Feeling weak. Feeling impotent. Feeling like whatever I did would be hated, create anger and make things worse. So I did nothing. It’s two hours later, and I’m still not sure what I should have or could have done. Writing helps me explore my true thoughts and feelings, so lets go through the options.
1) Speak louder. Say her name and ask louder what happened so she’s embarrassed in front of others if she doesn’t respond. PROBABLE RESULT: ignoring me or turning around and yelling at me to leave her alone.
2) Send an email to her mom, mentioning that this is “life-change” event and by judges ruling is required to let me know about them. PROBABLE RESULT: “You heard her talking, you see she’s okay. You know.” From her mom.
3) Walk over to her and make sure she’s okay. PROBABLE RESULT: see number one above.
4) Write her a nice email reminding her that her dad is still here and available and would love to help her in moments like that in her life. Tell her I’m glad she’s okay and that I hope she can get her truck fixed without too much trouble. PROBABLE RESULT: no response.
So, I think I’m going with #4, mainly because it’s the only option left at this point and it is more in character with how I’ve treated the relationship for the last year: Return hate and anger with love. Firm boundaries, and love.
But in all of this, I think I get the message from Church — I am weak. I need God to intervene. In my weakness. To make me strong and make this relationship strong again.
- Strength (headscarolinatailscalifornia2013.wordpress.com)
- The Cancer of Insecurity (thatblessedgyrl.wordpress.com)
- My Weakness is my Strength (hotrasaba.wordpress.com)
- Knowing Your Own Weaknesses (cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com)
- The Power of Weakness (jonathanhilton.com)