In the middle of the drama this week with my 18 year old, I got a text from her Grandpa (my exwife’s dad). Having been through a divorce with her mom when my ex was in junior high and having been aggressively alienated from his kids by his ex-wife, he is intimately aware of how difficult the process is. Keep in mind, this would be the very first time that I have heard from anyone on her side of the family since the separation, with the exception of a couple of hellos as they walked past.
I texted him back and thanked him for reaching out to me and told him he had been a great example to me over the years of how to reach out and love in spite of the negative that would be returned. I said I realized it took 10 years or more for him to have a fairly decent relationship with his daughter (my ex) and that I knew it would likely take that long as well for me.
I broke into a cold sweat when he texted back: “Be prepared for it to take a lifetime. I’m serious.”
I spoke with him on the phone a bit this morning to try to get some advice on how to go forward with my daughter after the debacle at the hospital this week. He apologized for not having any good strong advice. Said the only time he really heard from his daughter was when there were money issues or medical situations, as he is a doctor. He said that his ex and his kids have never accepted his 2nd wife (though they have been married 25+ years) or his daughter through that marriage and continue to speak derogatorily about and to them.
Sobering.
I think I began this blog as a way to channel my hurt and pain and anger into something constructive for other dads and moms struggling with alienation. I thought it was going to be a fairly short time-frame in dealing with this — like 1-2 years or something. Hadn’t planned on struggling like this the rest of my life. But I’m beginning to think that is the reality.
That’s pretty hard to swallow, you know? I’m torn between feelings of how unfair it is, how frustrated I am, how angry I am and how hurt I feel about being constantly and vehemently rejected. It feels like I’m in Junior High again, only the bullies are meaner and crueler and you can’t get away from them.
It’s truly a long and winding road that I will be on forever to some degree. There will be hillsides where I can see hope and peace and relationship in the distance and there will be dark valleys where I just feel desperate and lost.
I sat for a moment after the conversation with my ex father in law and thought. Then I broke out the book of Psalms. That book alone got me through the first month of separation.
Psalm 4:4-8
“In your anger, do not sin;
when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent… and trust in the Lord.
Many are asking “Who can show us any good?”
Let the Light of your face shine upon us, O Lord.
You have filled my heart with greater joy…
I will lie down and sleep in peace,
For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Jim
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Notes from an Alienated Dad 
i love this…seeking safety in the Lord. there really is no other way. i have given up on having earthly safety especially when it comes to trusting and loving the person who said he would keep us safe and unharmed and loved within my marriage. i am definitely becoming more spiritual and open to hearing God these days. what’s so cool is that when i least expect it, i hear Him speak to me. my friend’s husband says he knew that i had it in me and that it is my calling to hear it. my friend sent me this: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” and this is what happened to me, when i was searching but not praying and not even knowing what i needed or could have prayed for. he spoke to me and said, “you can let go now. it is time.” so amazing. my desperation for my husband to be with me…GONE.
be strong. it will all work out for you in time. 🙂
Reblogged this on Children's Rights.