You know how Software gets a new version number when it achieves a major rewrite? I moved to Jim 2.0 when I got divorced. I changed a ton of things in my life, started new things, and became a better person and the person I wanted to be.
Since the breakup of my 2 year relationship, post-divorce, I’m doing the same thing again. It’s Jim 3.0. Just thought I’d share some of the things I’m doing as a part of this. Hope the list below challenges you to reinvent yourself.
Self Improvement items:
- Aggressively binge listen to the Art of Charm podcasts. http://theartofcharm.com/ If you haven’t heard these, please note that I don’t endorse all of them, but there’s some really strong stuff in here about being the best man you can be. From dating to attraction to productivity, etc. Hugely helpful.
- Date in moderation. For me, before I met the girlfriend, I was doing maybe 6-7 (mostly first dates) a week. I’m happier around the 3-4 range. And I’m working on doing more second dates, even if I don’t think they will be girlfriend material — just to keep me busy and get out of the house.
- Join a divorced men’s group. I have done this and have met a bunch of new guys that know what I’m going through and also have needs to go out and do stuff. I’ve been out on the town with them, played pool, watched football games, gone to plays, had dinners and bible studies. Great group of guys and probably the single most important thing on this list for me. We’ve got a facebook secret site where we post prayers and needs and events.
- Become more comfortable saying no. I found with the ex-girlfriend that I was much too flexible and willing to sacrifice my time and my other relationships for her. I need to say no more to guard my life.
- Lead something and Get Involved. Joined the Christmas cast again at Church, and am planning to be the leader for two major service projects here in the next six months. I meet more people, including great women and great men that I want to round out my life.
Projects:
- Work on my novel. I’m three chapters in already and when I wake in the middle of the night thinking about the last two years or the kids, I’m writing.
- Self-publish a poetry book. This is a goal. I gave the girlfriend one and my mom one last year, but I think this year I’ll work in a bunch of other poetry.
- Move and Help. I’m finishing up a bigger house rehab and will move in the next month or so and invite newly divorced dads to stay with me temporarily till they get their feet under them. I needed a place like this and now I can offer it to others.
- Re-invigorate efforts to re-connect with kids. Not that this was at all neglected over the last 2 years, but I’ve got a bit more time to invest now — just not sure how it will look.
Daily/Weekly
- Workout. Five times per week — at least 3 times in the gym and usually the others are playing volleyball.
- Choose Solitude. Spend time with God, meditating and praying.
- Writing. Whether it’s the novel or poetry or my journal or here — keep writing. It’s cathartic and it’s how I best work through my brain.
- Feel. It’s okay to obsess a bit about the ex-girlfriend and rewind the past and think of what I should have done differently — the pain felt there will help me avoid it next time.
Notes from an Alienated Dad 