Evil Nostalgia

I don’t know how often this happens to you.  Just heard a song last night while working on one of my houses.

 

 

It is the song that I planned to use to propose to my ex-girlfriend.  Actually shared my plan with her brothers about 2 months before we broke up.  They didn’t seem all that excited about it — which should have clued me in a bit more to what was going on, but I really just didn’t see much of that.

I’m putting in cabinets and listening to music and I just cry.  It’s that music always holds a memory.  I thought through how much I loved this woman.  I thought through how much I longed to have what we had.  Or how much I loved what I thought I had.  The sad truth is that the woman I loved didn’t really exist.  That doesn’t make the pain any better.  That doesn’t make the loss any easier to handle.  It might actually make it worse.  Instead of wishing for a return to that relationship, you’re left wondering if it’s even possible to find that kind of love.  Since it didn’t actually exist in reality and what you had was a lie (for those who haven’t read previous posts, she was actually cheating on me during much of the relationship and had lied to me about much of her situation), you wonder if there’s hope for finding that someone who actually is who  she says she is and loves you for who you are and is your future.

So I spent the rest of the night chatting with my brother and one of my best girl friends.  I cried some more.  It’s been four months since the breakup, three since I discovered what was happening in the relationship.  It’s still really really hard.  I’ve dated a bunch.  I’ve met a lot of new friends, I’ve got a strong solid circle of friends around me now.  That’s all good.  But it still hurts.  There’s a loss.  There’s a part of me that thought I was going to be married again by the end of this year.  That I would have someone to come home to.  And I don’t.  No offense to my cat.

I’ve often said that because of my mistakes in my marriage and with the ex-girlfriend, I really want to date someone at least 2 years before remarrying.  I’ve seen so many 2nd marriage mistakes, and I don’t want to have that happen.  So I’m looking at my 50th birthday before I get remarried at this point.

That’s hard to stomach.  Don’t have a lot of answers to any of these things.  Just know that there’s a lot of others out there who struggle like you do.  I guess it’s normal.  But I woke up this morning and got back to work.  Life went on.  It snowed.  I do believe in love and a future and a future love.  I will find someone to Bring it On Home to me.

 

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