167 Red Flags or Examples of Parental Alienation

http://www.brainsyntax.com/Home/MessageDetail/342

           

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Truth is in a man’s actions, not in someone else’s blind accusations.

This a hugely useful list of all kinds of stuff that Alienators do to separate us from our kids.  I haven’t counted yet, but my Ex has done 76 out of the 167 items. If you take out the red flags she hasn’t exhibited that were flags for small children and flags with step parents (neither of which apply for me), the ratio gets much higher — almost 76% of the items that would apply, have been exhibited by my ex.  That’s a staggering number of red flags.

Might be a useful list for others undergoing alienation…

Jim

 

 

Why Daughters Need Dads

Daughters need dads

 

First heard of this Doctor on Dennis Prager’s radio show (highly recommended by the way).  And I know this to be true.  How do I get through to my daughter to convince her to still want a relationship with me though?  That’s the whole rub of all this for us alienated dads…

Why Daughters Need Their Dads So Much

 

 

 

Should You Not Date Single Moms?

 

cartoon unicorn with speech bubble
Should I Date Single Moms?

Read an article today that really got me thinking.  I tried to read it with as open a mind as I could.  I’ll let you do the same.  Here it is.

“Don’t date single mothers and don’t waste your time with them”- US author writes scathing article…gives 15 reasons why real men shouldn’t date single mothers

Now here’s my thoughts.  I’ve listed Shawn James’ reasons not to date single mom’s below.  Right off the bat, I think the type of single mom he is referring to is the kind that have had 1 or more babies out of wedlock to help increase the Government Aid take.  It’s the only thing that makes sense with most of his reasons.  A woman who has been divorced or widowed does not fit a lot of these stereotypes.  And lets be honest, that’s what these 15 reasons really are.  He’s either had a few “gems” as single mothers that he’s dated, or he is just hearing all the stories from babby daddies he goes drinking with who are whining about their Babby Mammas.

I do think 1-4 are very difficult things for a single mom to negotiate, especially with younger children.  They are worried about how their kids are doing without them.  As applies with most of these other items as well — the same thing goes for single dads.  They struggle with time available and priorities.  I don’t think I’ve met any single moms who think the world revolves around them.  They usually feel stressed and panicked that they are not spending enough time with their kids and worried their dating partner will get annoyed with them for that lack of availability, regardless of how much they enjoy the company of said partner.

As for the ex always being there.  Duh. So is my ex.  I’m dealing with Parental Alienation, so #5-#8 also apply to me as well.  I think Shawn is probably a single dude without kids or he’s got kids scattered all around a 180 mile radius of his hometown and has no clue how to be a parent and places no value on it.  In his defense.  He’s right.  HE should not date a single mom.  In fact, it kinda sounds like 2,3,4,8,9,10,15 could also apply to him…

I have seen many, many women with distorted self-image, who play the victim, who have jekyll and Hyde personalities and who are dishonest and drama queens with baggage.  I think it doesn’t have anything to do with being a single mom.  There’s also a lot of men with those problems.  It’s part of the human condition.

I have seen very few single mom’s dating to make the baby daddy jealous or wanting to get back with their babby daddy.

Maybe I’m a bit naive, but I don’t see the huge issues that this guys is speaking about, but at the end of the day, I think it all depends on your experiences and your viewpoint going into those experiences.  If you go around thinking all single women are drama queens and victims, you’re going to see that everywhere.

So here’s my advice to anyone getting ready to date a single mom or a single lady or a divorced mom or widow.  Grace is very important.  Everyone comes with their own challenges and problems.  If you go into that relationship trying to identify those problems first rather than trying to get to know someone and understand them, you’re going to be miserable.

My pastor has a tatoo that has the yin and yang symbol and the words Grace and Truth inside of it, with a crown of thorns around it.  I think that applies very nicely here.  Start with Grace and you’ll begin to understand truth about that person eventually.  You may decide that you don’t want to go down that road, but you can still treat that woman with grace even after you understand their truth.

Happy Dating all!

 

Shawn James’ 15 Reasons not to date a Single Mom

  1. Never Available
  2. YOU are not a priority
  3. Thinks the world revolves around HER and ONLY HER
  4. Emotionally Unavailable
  5. The ex/Baby Daddy is ALWAYS THERE
  6. The kids are working AGAINST YOU
  7. Those kids will HATE YOU
  8. Entitled Attitude Single mothers think… world owe her EVERYTHING
  9. Distorted Self-Image
  10. Always the victim
  11. Jekyll and Hyde Personality
  12. Drama Queen
  13. In most cases dating to make her baby daddy jealous
  14. Dishonest
  15. Baggage

 

 

The reality of the 30-40 Year old Divorced Male

Crazy Stupid Love

I think I mentioned at one point that I’m working on a novel.  It’s kinda like “First Wives Club” from a dude’s perspective.  I think there’s a meme of the 30-50 year old Divorced man out there who’s trading up, or trying to rekindle his youth, or rejecting the now frumpy and wrinkled wife of his youth for a ferrari and a young girlfriend.

If you want to see a pretty accurate description of this in the movie world, try seeing Crazy Stupid Love.  I will say, most of the guys I know are not in a lather to end up back with their ex-wife, but Steve Carrell’s character is a very good depiction of many guys in my situation.

 

Crazy Stupid Love  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1570728/

I’ve been this single guy for almost three years now and I have a good number of guy friends who are in very similar situations to me.  I have yet to see one guy who fits this meme.

To be sure, the divorced men I know can be a bit picky.  I think this is a result of being burned in previous relationships and not wanting to repeat past mistakes.   But if there is one word I could use to describe virtually all the 30-50 year old divorced men I know it is this:  lonely.

Even guys like me who have a good solid group of guy friends that meet for support, Bible study, fun, drinks, etc. are profoundly lonely.  Not just the ones who don’t have kids at home like me – or who are dealing with the effects of parental alienation.  Certainly, I think there’s a different loneliness inherent in those guys.  But even the guys with half-custody and little kids running around every other week are profoundly lonely.

I think this colors much of the interaction men have with the opposite sex. I’m sure women can relate to these experiences as well, but I think there’s a significant difference with men.  Men are taught from an early age to be strong and independent and not show fear and hide their feelings.  Men often end up isolated in marriage for some reason.  Women typically have their group of friends to do girls night out, or spa days or just coffee and chatting. Women who are more involved with the kids tend to have great relationships with other school moms.  There’s frequently women’s groups at churches, and women just naturally tend to run in packs.  In high school the guys called this the herding mentality of the female species.

Guys don’t typically have this instinct.  We tend to keep more to ourselves, we struggle through things alone and if we don’t, we’re labeled needy, or emotional or a wreck, or whatever.  We learn at a fairly early age to hide much of this.  Heck, this blog is a case in point.  It’s anonymous so my kids don’t see their business all over the internet, but how many of my guy friends even know I have it?  Until just recently, my family did, but I maybe had one guy friend who’d ever read it.  I’m even careful which girl friends are given access.  Maybe its trust issues?  Maybe I’ve just been burned in the past.

As a result of this loneliness, men cope in several specific ways — which are often translated by our culture into negative stereotypes.  Let’s see if we can look at the reality behind some of these:

  1. Serial Dater.  This is the divorced guy who’s constantly out on dates.  Guaranteed:  these dates are online dates from match or tinder.  He’s not sleeping with many (if any) of them.  He very rarely has second dates.  He is literally wondering when he will meet someone he could fall in love with for good.  Many perceive this guy as being a male slut or just never satisfied.  From what I’ve seen — he’s maybe been married twice or more, he’s been really wounded in his relationships, so he’s very cautious about committing.  He wants to be certain that when he does, he’s got a pretty good shot at success.
  2. Bif, The Guy who is bragging about his “exploits.”  Not unlike the high school locker room guy, this divorcee is trying to get his mojo back.  His marriage or previous relationship gave him the strong feeling that he was not valuable, not handsome, not sexy, not worth anything.  He’s working hard to validate himself through “acquisitions” of notches on his bedpost.  From my experience, this guy for the most part really is still trying to find “the one.”  He doesn’t want indiscriminate sex with a bunch of different women, he wants someone who will love him for who he is and who will be his partner.
  3. The Premature Adorer.  This is the Guy who meets a girl and declares his undying love very quickly.  There are a lot of guys out there who are so lonely that the first girl that gives them some positive attention (even as a friend), is treated to a shower of compliments and love.  It’s too quick, too soon, and leaves may women scratching their heads, wondering what is causing this.  The danger here is that these guys can very quickly jump into a new marriage — the seven day romance, 3 week engagement and quick wedding. The cause of this again is loneliness and his need for affirmation.
  4. The Secret PolyAmorist.   This is the guy who has ongoing relationships with several different women, largely unbeknownst to any of them.  He may or may not have an “exclusive” situation with any of them, but more than one of them think that they are his one and only.  He would say its not cheating, I’ve heard one say that he’s gone back and forth between two women several times but it’s okay because there’s always been a break with one before he goes back to the other.  This is obviously damaging to the women and not a good situation for the guy.  Again, it’s easy to judge this guy as a total jerk.  From what I’ve seen, that’s rarely true.  He’s typically a broken guy with a history of hard relationships who can’t stand to be alone but keeps thinking there’s something better around the corner.

Here’s the beauty of each of these divorced dudes.  None of these guys are locked into these labels for the rest of their lives.  I’m not encouraging you ladies to go out and try to change them — that’s a recipe for disaster — and maybe a future book?  But  I will say that the right relationship has a way of righting each of these guys.  The huge risk that each of them take is that they cannot find a healthy relationship in the mindset of the label they embody today.

I’ll admit that I have struggled most with the first category – the serial dater.  I honestly hate having 3-4 dates with different women in a week long period.  I have friends that just shake their heads and I have other friends that live vicariously through my dating experiences and think it’s glamorous. I can assure you, tonight’s date looked 20 years older than her online pic.  She had bad teeth and was not someone I would have ever asked on a date in a million years if I had seen her at church or the grocery store.  But because she posted a pic of her in her 20s, I thought, hmmm she’s cute and wasted 42.5 minutes of my life.  THIS, my friends is the excitement of the online dating world.  And tonight, I’m back to thinking, “Am I ever going to find someone?”

Whether they are dating serially or not, I can guarantee you that most of the other guys in my circle of friends have similar thoughts daily.  The profound reality is that the single divorced guy in his 30s – 50s is not a player.  He’s not a playboy.  He’s not looking to trade up.  He’s just hoping to find someone he can love honestly and who will love him back.