Cutting the Ties

If you saw the previous post, you know I was once again basically attacked and cast off by my 20 year old daughter because I got a notice about her healthcare and inquired how she was doing.  I responded in the way I typically respond to these types of rude notes — with sort of a quiet measured loving response.
And I sat for two days knowing it was not right.  It is never right for a parent to give and to give and to be completely insulted and belittled by their children.  I would never allow my kids to treat their mom in this way (and quite literally never did — when I was married there were consequences and discipline when they treated their mom disrespectfully).  For me to sit back and let them continue to treat me with disrespect while I pay for their insurance is both silly and I think causes me to be the butt of further ridicule and anger.  I’m their patsy.  They can get away with treating me however they want and I’ll keep feeding the engine that gets them healthcare, alimony and (in the past at least) child support.  The alimony I have no control over — though I have filed for removal of alimony because the ex is living with her boyfriend — but the healthcare — now that is.  I looked at  this issue during these two days and discovered that, you know what?  It is now under my control.  The kids are graduated from High School and over 18.  The divorce decree states that I must cover them with healthcare until then.  So the last two years for my daughter and the future for my son are all purely at my whim.

In my research, I discovered that it cost me $783 per month to furnish healthcare for the kids.  Add to this the fact that the ex testified in court last month that she “pays for their healthcare,” and the fact that I don’t have to pay for their healthcare legally at all and their attitude and treatment of me over the last three years and I knew what had
to happen.

I talked it over with my Dad and brother and girlfriend and other friends first.  Didn’t make the decision rashly, and sent a letter to my daughter first explaining that I didn’t want to do this, but that she had made it very clear that she didn’t want any ties to me, so I was finally saying…. heavy sigh….OK.  It was written with Love in it, but also with clear $$ as to how much I’ve paid in Child support and alimony — something  I don’t think the kids were ever told.  And with a heavy emphasis on following their wishes.

The key point my father made was that he would have probably done this a long time ago.  He said, “Taking away money or support has an interesting way of changing the dynamic.”

I got a pretty quick response from the daughter.

“Ok that’s fine. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t cancel. And please Don’t bring xxxx into this tho. It has nothing to do with him. “

That was it.  And with that the battle of 3 years ends in a whimper. The saying goes that hate isn’t the opposite of love, apathy is.  That’s what I’m getting now.

I sent a similar letter out to her brother the next day and have had no response.  Truth was, he had been consistently ruder and more demanding than his sister.  I’d at least had some actual conversations with her in the past two years.

Haven’t slept very well over the last week.  Keep waking up at 2-3 am and then finally getting back to bed at 5-6 am.  Feeling it in my back, neck, daily headaches and with a mysterious cough.  My girlfriend said she thinks its because of the finality of all of it.  There’s no connection with them from my side at all.  Every hope of reconciliation is basically in their hands.

Am I feeling the physical affects of that despair?  Maybe.  But in a sense, I also feel like I finally stood up to the bullying of the ex for good.  I will not be walked on any longer.  I will be alone if I have to be, but I will not be anyone’s patsy, and I will not let anyone — especially my kids — treat me with utter contempt and disrespect.  I do not need anyone like that in my life.  Ever. Never again.

That sounds empowering.  And it is.  I guess.  It’s also reality.  And it’s life. And I’m basically a father without kids.  By their choice.  And that.  Is hard.

 

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Now What Do I Do?

Those of you reading this blog have seen my ongoing odyssey with my alienated children.  You’ve heard of the attempts to get them to counseling, and to visitation (all basically failures), you’ve heard of my attempts to create a blog for them of the things a dad wants his kids to know.  I’ve got over 60 entries on the blog and still don’t really know if the kids have ever looked at it.  If they have it’s had no impact that I can see.

They are 18 and 20 now.  It’s been 3 1/2 years since the initial separation where they initially declined to see me.  It’s been a month longer than that since I had a meaningful conversation with my son.  My daughter (she’s the 20 year old), has had  a couple of phone conversations with me that were actually pretty positive.  Then 2-5 days later, calls me up screaming about some completely fabricated (by her mom) issue.  I’ve not had similar meaningful conversations with my son, but do get calls and emails from him chastising me for ever wanting a relationship with him.

So  I now have 2 adult kids.  2 kids who act like they don’t have a father (at best) or at worst, as my son once said, that he has a father who’s worse than Satan.  Now I get that many teenagers overexaggerate and hate their parents at times.  I get that many teens can be rude and unloving.  I worked with teens for over 10 years in a previous life, so the difficulties teens have with their parents is not an unknown for me.  That said, I never saw anything like what I’m dealing with in anyone I’d ever come across in my life — until it hit me.  Then, suddenly, I’ve got 5-6 friends who all have bizarre issues with one or two kids (usually not all of them).

I’m writing this today because I just got an email back from my daugher to “stay out of my life.”  The occasion?  Oh, I got a notice from the insurance company that she’d been approved for a special drug to treat a condition she has.  So I dropped her a quick note to let her know and tell her I was concerned about her condition and would love to hear how she’s coping with it.  To which I got the “stay out” email.

I replied with a simple explanation:

“Since you’re on my insurance, I get a notice when you are approved for things like this.  I truly hope someday you will realize you have a father who loves you more than you could imagine and would love nothing more than to just spend time with you.

I will always love you and could never stay out of your life.  It’s not something a real dad can ever do.”

…as per usual, but I don’t normally get replies to these responses.  This happens maybe 1/3 of the time I email or text them something.  The other 2/3 of the time, there’s no response at all.  I see that they’ve opened the email (I have a tracker on them for this reason), but there’s no indication back to me of any kind.  I sometimes take a little solace in the fact that they do open and re-read many of these notes multiple times.  One time I think my son read a note I sent him 12 times.  I really don’t know what that means.  Unless he’s reading it to his mom, then to his grandma, then his sister, a friend or two, etc.  All to just mock me?  I really don’t get it.

And at this point, I don’t know what else to do.  They both live in other parts of the state, I’d hoped that my daughter living 3 hours from her mom would change the dynamics a bit and make her see that maybe mom’s not right about everything about her dad.   But it doesn’t seem to have happened yet and its been a year.  I’m strongly considering moving a long way away.  I have family with niece and nephew on the west coast and assuming everything comes together over the next few months, I may find myself there by this time next year.  It’s good to be around family.  I miss that.

But I really don’t know what else to do to reach out to the kids.  I’ve prayed and prayed, I’ve had huge numbers of people praying for me as well.  I’ve written a ton and thought a ton and talked it over a ton with really smart people, counselors, family, friends, pastors, etc.  I don’t have any answers.

It feels like I’m just being pitiful and puppy-dog-like in my response to my daughter up above.  But I honestly don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if I can “stay out of her life.”  I’m not the kind of dad that could do that and sleep at night.  But I also don’t know if it is helping us build any kind of relationship, by reaching out to her periodically.

I’m curious if and when any of you have just stopped reaching out.  At what point do you just go — “Hey, you’re an adult.  If you don’t want a relationship with me, I’m past the point of being able to do anything about that — it’s now up to you.”  My thought is if I do that, then I’m essentially just telling them I’m done with them.  Which I will never be.  Done.  With my kids.

So is there a change in tactic I should consider?  Is there something else I can do?  I’m kinda at wits end here.  I just don’t have any answers.

I’d created this blog in an attempt to share the experience with many of you.  To share the successes as well as the failures.  The “how to survive” in the middle along with the way to get to a point of reconciliation.  I have to apologize at this point — I don’t see paths to that point right now.

Not trying to be a downer, just coming to the sad realization that there’s very little I can do.