Second Time Around Warnings

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted here.  I think mostly because I fell madly in love with a great lady about a month after my divorce was final.  I’d had a couple of short relationships prior to this, so I thought I’d work out the “rebound” fling that everyone talks about after the divorce.  And I probably had.

If you’ve read the blog, you noted in one of the last entries that I mentioned the new girl with her four kids.  So this relationship had so many great experiences in it, but it is now over, and I’m figuring that maybe solitude is what generates writing out of these hands?

So a couple of great things I experienced over the last couple of years and things I think I will look for in the next relationship (and maybe we all should?).

1. We just fit.  She got me, I got her.  We loved our time together.  There was a better fit between the two of us than maybe I’d ever had in my life before.
2. I realized I could please a woman (not just physically, but in all kinds of ways) and that there wasn’t something broken inside of me that prevented me from being in a good relationship again.
3. Fun.  We had so many great memories.  After it ended, I put together a list of the top 50 moments in my life.  In 2 years, I think 8 of those moments were with her.
4. I have the potential to be a great stepdad.  I got along really well with her kids and probably miss them more than her at this point!  I cannot wait to be a part of someone’s life where her kids and I have this type of relationship.  It was great for my soul to get to see all of that and be a part of their lives.
5. Getting my mojo back.  It was so encouraging to see I could attract a beautiful, successful woman and date her for almost 2 years.
6. I felt loved  and was able to love again.

But in spite of all of these good things, the relationship ended very tragically.  I discovered after I broke up with her that she’d been lying to me over those two years and that she had in fact cheated on me repeatedly with multiple different men.  I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me or to play the victim, but instead to help you see the signs that I missed consistently throughout our relationship — mostly because I just needed to be loved and feel love again.

So here are the signs that I missed and I know I will want to ensure I see next time.

1. If friends or family of your significant other tell you that you don’t know her well or that you’re missing things — LISTEN.  Even if they don’t give you specifics or reasons to.  They are taking a huge risk telling you even that — and they’re doing it because they like you and don’t want to see you get hurt like the 10 dudes in the last 10 years with her.
2. Have at least a couple of friends and family that can tell you hard stuff that you don’t want to hear.  Believe them, and listen to them and act accordingly.  Most of my family and several of my friends saw things in my girlfriend that I refused to see or just brushed off as “you don’t know her like I do.”
3. You don’t have to be paranoid, but be smart.  If you see things that are happening in your relationship that you would question in a friends relationship, that’s a strong indicator that something’s up.  For instance.  At one point I saw that my name wasn’t in her phone anymore — she said it’s cause the kids kept seeing it come up when I called and she didn’t want her ex hearing them constantly talking about me.  I think she didn’t want her other guys seeing it.  Another example?  I think I went to her house 4-5 times in 2 years.  We always met at my place or out somewhere.  Usually for good reason, but the net was she actually wasn’t even separated like she had claimed and maintained from the time we met till we broke up.
4. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  If you get weird feelings in your gut when she’s telling you things (which I did repeatedly, but ignored), your body is telling you stuff.
5. If you keep thinking, this whole thing is just not right, but we have so much fun together and I can’t imagine living without her — something is not right and if you don’t get out, you’ll make it worse by staying.  Your subconscious can play tricks on you, but often it senses the truth much sooner than your conscious mind.
6. Don’t settle for strange rules in the relationship — question why and if you don’t get good answers, get out.  Like with us — I was always in the friendzone with the kids, and she delayed filing for divorce for 2 years over and over for a myriad of reasons.  I know.  You’re reading this thinking that I’m a complete moron.  I get it.  I feel that too.  People do stupid things when they think they’re in love.
7. If there’s an incident that seems funny.  Don’t just take the first excuse or reason for it — investigate a bit, or just be more wary the next time.
8. Audit the relationship from time to time.  Are all your texts about how much you miss her and all hers answering your questions?  Are you texting first, last and 3 times more than her?  Do you always set up dates and suggest things?  Does she travel with her girlfriends, her family, her kids and everyone else and never with you alone?  Do you pay for everything?  Are you always buying her trips that you’re not going on?  Are you being used?  All great questions to periodically just assess the relationship.  If the answers are no — you’re doing good, but be honest.
9. Finally — cultivate a life apart from your significant other.  Most of my friends were her friends.  Most of my life was spent waiting for her to be available and building it around her.  That’s not healthy and probably ultimately led to our demise as much as her cheating.  Remember, I didn’t know about the cheating when we broke up. I think this point is pretty obvious, but many of us new divorcees are in the immortal words of Potsy Weber “Hot to Trot.”  We just want someone to love us again and are more than willing to overlook whatever we have to so that we can feel that love.   That goes for women and for men.  Just chatted with a female friend today that has a remarkably similar situation with her boyfriend.

Dad told me going into dating that I’m a good guy that makes good money and has a great future.  Women will take advantage of that.  I just thought he was looking out for me but that it wouldn’t happen to me.  It did.

Guys and even ladies:  It’s a jungle out there.  Not everyone approaches life like you do — even if they seem to at the outset.  Be wary, be careful and build your life and make it full apart from your significant other — then “invite her to the feast” that you’ve been able to create of your life.  It’s a great analogy.

 

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